Grief and Bonding

[JuniperFir]

[I have tried to find a question already posted, but couldn’t find one that covers my situation. If I’ve missed it and I’m repeating old stuff I’m sorry in advance and would appreciate the link!]

A few weeks ago, Rogan lost his bonded mate, Chia, to liver cancer she was poorly for a long while and the time they spent together in the end got very confusing. She had to be taken to the vets very often and kept on the bed with me for hours to be looked after when she could barely move. Rogan doesn’t like to be confined to the bed and wasn’t very sensitive to her illness. He would bother her and reassert his dominance with bits of digging and mounting (due to all the minor separations for vet visits etc).

We tried a few ways to keep them together as much as possible for the last weeks, as Chia took comfort in his presence, despite his bad manners. But it was a difficult balance between keeping them happy and keeping her from feeling worse/adding injury to illness.

In the end, I had to make the decision to let Chia go. We brought Chia’s body back from the vets so that Rogan could see her and come to terms with her death.

He ignored her for ages, then went over and dug at her, and then when she didn’t move/respond he went back to ignoring her for the rest of the time she was laid there, finally just sitting in the opposite corner of the enclosure with his back to her. So eventually, we took her out.

Despite this seemingly uninterested goodbye, he has been very depressed ever since. He was the most lively, friendly, happy bunny, always following us everywhere, getting under our feet, doing bunny-love-dances and generally just being content and positive. He’s 8 years old now but showed no signs of old-age at all before. We recently took him to the vets and they said Rogan was in the best possible shape for an 8 year old bunny.

But since Chia’s death, he sleeps all the time, won’t move position for hours, eats half the amount he used to and when we let him out to play, he just hops straight under the coffee table and sits/sleeps there – not interested in exploring anymore. He was even acting like he was sick, which is why we took him to the vets and got it ruled out. He said that all the tooth grinding and misery is purely grief related.

But worse than any of this: he’s stopped wanting any attention from us. He doesn’t like being stroked or fussed over anymore, when before he’d lap it up and never let us stop snuggling him once we’d started. This dislike for any attention has meant that we have really struggled to make him feel any better and help him through his grief, or try and get through to him that we are there sharing it with him.

It has been so awful to lose Chia and then to also see Rogan lose his spark. It’s such a shock to see such a happy rabbit age overnight and become a shadow of his former self – and to be completely powerless to stop it :'( I have even started to harbour the suspicion that he thinks Chia’s death is somehow my fault and now doesn’t trust me anymore.

So, I must have read a hundred articles about what to do for a grieving rabbit and all of them say the same thing- FIND THEM A NEW FRIEND ASAP.

And since we couldn’t make him feel better ourselves, we decided to try it. Anything to stop him feeling so low and giving up on life like this!

We know he hates male rabbits even though he’s been neutered for years, so we’ve been trying to find him a female. He hated the first one, a young lionhead, and was instantly aggressive, even thought she did nothing to provoke him.

So we tried another girl from an adoption centre. He seemed fine with her, so we paid the adoption fee and brought her home. They were fine in the car home (stress bonding). She’s bigger than him and 2 years old. Unfortunately, when we got them home, after the prebonding, they had their first supervised home date in the laundry room, and it didn’t go well. She obviously liked him, and was binkying around him, honking a little and going over to sniff him. But he just sat still in a huddle with his eyes closed, depressed and miserable. And when she came near him, he shoved his head under her and bit her. She recovered well the first few times, but after a few more rejections of her interest with grumpy and aggressive bites, she started to fight back, and they ended up needing separating from an all-out aggressive scuffle.

They’ve gone back in their bonding cages, near to each other, but he either ignores her or looks over at her with his tail up.

It’s all him. She would have been perfectly happy to make friends with him. So would the other girl I imagine. Now I’m stuck with a beautiful girl that I’m going to have to put up for adoption again and a miserable, depressed Rogan who I don’t know how to help. He doesn’t seem interested or curious about anything anymore, not even a new friend. And I’m worried that he’ll just languish away and be lonely forever because he won’t accept any other bunnies into his life. I know two failed attempts isn’t the end of the world, but it’s something deeper in Rogan that I’m worried about, a complete misery that he can’t be distracted from. He’s just so disinterested and tired of everything that I have a feeling that it doesn’t matter who we try and introduce to him – the same thing will happen.

Should I keep trying, or am I going down a road that will cause more sadness, stress and grief for everyone? Is it all lost with the recent lady bunny after their fight? Why doesn’t Rogan seem to want a friend? When will he shake off this grief? I’m at a loss and I really can’t stand to see him suffering like this for much longer If anyone has ever experienced anything like this I’d be so pleased to hear your opinions.

Any advice/thoughts at all are appreciated!

Thank you.

[DanaNM]

I’m so sorry for your loss

Does Rogan seem to eat more just having a neighbor? Some buns will accept a new mate right away, but some just aren’t ready.

I would try a couple things. First, try to spend more time with him, even if he doesn’t seek you out. Try to go back to basics with him (hand feeding, laying on the ground ignoring him, talking softly to him constantly). Even if he doesn’t seem to want it, it will probably help. Just fuss over him as much as possible, and try to entice him to eat as much as you can. Stasis in grief is a real threat, so if he isn’t eating enough, the vet might want to put him on motility meds as a preventative.

He might just not be ready for her, but will accept her in time, or at least be happier with a neighbor. He might also be happy with a stuffy. My Bertha has been widowed twice (), and after the most recent one I got a stuffy for her. I would make it cuddle up to her and groom her, and she would lay next to it and groom it a bit. Not sure if it helped all that much, but it does help some buns. Just make sure he doesn’t chew it (I would only let Bertha be with hers while supervised).

If you have space, I would see if you could keep the new bun as a neighbor for a while. Maybe give a couple of weeks with no pre-bonding cage swaps, but just have them side by side. Then do a couple weeks more of cage swaps, then try again.

Again so sorry, hugs to you and nose rubs for Rogan. <3

. . . The answers provided in this discussion are for general guideline purposes only. The information is not intended to diagnose or treat your pet. Seek the advice of your veterinarian or a qualified behaviorist.  

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