It’s been almost 24 hours since Lily passed. I’m still in a state of shock, how could she be dead? How could things go so bad so fast? I went to bed Wednesday night and she was fine. I could hear her munching on her hay, she had been playing and running around the house just an hour before. I had no cause for concern, no reason to worry. I woke up Thursday morning instantly knowing something was wrong. I usually wake up to the sounds of Lily running around the bedroom and scratching at the linoleum tiles, but everything was quiet. I lowered my legs to the ground thinking, “Oh, she’ll run to me now like she usually does. She’ll scratch at my legs and lick my feet until I give her, her breakfast.” But, nothing. My sense of unease started to grow, but again I tried to reason with myself, “maybe I just left the bedroom door open, she’s probably in her favorite spot in the living room.” But, no. I finally saw her. She was lying hunched up in a corner of my bedroom. I ran to her straight away, offered pellets, treats, but she refused everything. Instantly I knew she must be suffering from stasis again (she had it previously last December).
I called off of work immediately and began home treatments until the vet’s office opened. I gave Lily gas drops, massaged her belly, tried to get her to run around, but I noticed things were a little different this time from last time she had stasis. Lily was never the kind of bun to sit around and calmly let me syringe feed her medicine or pick her up or even let me try to massage her belly. Her ears felt cold to the touch, I knew something was very wrong, but by this time the vet’s office had opened and so I called them to get her in. They told me to bring Lily in immediately, so I did. I was worried at this point, but still hopeful that she would get better with treatment. The vet gave her a multitude of injections including sub q fluids and a pain relief injection. I was sent home with more medicine and instructions to syringe feed critical care. The day passed in agony. I did everything the vet told me too. I prayed that Lily would get better, but even after a few hours, there didn’t seem to be any improvement. I had asked the vet earlier, “why does Lily keep getting stasis”. The vet thought that Lily might just have a sensitive gut. She advised that I would need to have her on a strict diet from now on. No treats, no fruits and cut out pellets because they may just be too rich for her sensitive gut. I agreed I had every intention of changing her diet over, but I had no idea that I would never get the chance to.
After hours of no improvement, I turned to the internet. I read an article that said bunnies could take days to respond to treatment, I asked for advice from other bunny parents. I was starting to get very worried at this point. After a few more minutes I decided I would take Lily to the emergency vet even though there were no exotic vets available. I picked her up to put her in her carrier and she flopped over in my arms. Immediately, I started to panic. I knew she was dying. I started screaming for my sister. At this point Lily began to make weird gurgling noises, I tried to put her into the carrier, but she began to seize. I will never forget the horror of seeing her little body flail and jerk, but as soon as the fits stopped, she quieted. I knew in my heart she was dead, but still, I searched for signs of life. Checked to see if she was breathing, checked to see if her heart was still beating. Nothing. She was gone. I won’t go into details about what happened over the next half hour, just that I was inconsolable. My sister called the emergency vet they offered to bury her or to wait until morning for the regular vet to cremate her body. I couldn’t bear to have her lifeless body in the house, so we took her to the emergency vet for burial. I’ll never forget that night, the drive, the cool wind blowing on my face from the open window, the silence of the streets at midnight. The moon was beautiful and even in my distraught state, I couldn’t help but be grateful for that one consolation. Lily deserved nothing less than this clear night sky with the full moon shining brightly for her.
I went to sleep that night in a state of shock. My spirit had seemed outside of my body for hours. As if I was watching the events unfold from a bird’s eyes view. For a few moments after waking up the next morning I was at peace until I remembered the events of the night before. I jumped out of bed and immediately began to search for Lily, but she wasn’t there. She was really gone. My life had become a nightmare come true.
I’ve been crying all day, I’m inconsolable. It may seem naive to say this, but my heart had never known so much grief before this. This was the first time I’ve ever lost someone I’ve loved to the finality of death. I can’t seem to comprehend that I’ll never see her again. That I’ll never hear her hopping around on the tiles again, scratching at them furiously as if she could make a burrow into the ungiving floor. I’ll never see her periscoping and exploring new areas again. I’ll never see her beg for treats again. I’ll never feel the warmth of her tongue as she grooms me ever again. I’ll never pet her soft, downy fur ever again. I’ll never kiss her head and smell her sweet scent again. I’ll never witness her sassiness or curiosity or tender moments of sweetness again. I feel as if I have a hole in my heart now that she is gone. There’s a sense of loss and sadness inside of me that I don’t think I’ll ever shake. I know I will never forget her, or stop loving her, or missing her. I only wonder, why did she have to leave me so soon?
She hadn’t even reached her first birthday yet. As silly as it sounds, I had plans for a birthday party for her. I had lots of plans. Lily had never run on the grass before. I was waiting for the perfect day to come around when the weather wasn’t too hot so that I could take her out to run in the grass and dig to her heart’s content. I was planning to take her to Canada with me to visit my family there. I was going to take her to my job where everyone knew about her, and how much I loved her, so she could meet everyone. But, now we’ll never get to do those things, not when I lost her at such a tender age when she was supposed to be with me for years.
Even now I keep looking around thinking I might see her sweet little face staring up at me, but no, she’s gone forever. She’s taken a piece of my heart and left me so sad. I only hope that the pain meds worked and that she felt no pain on her last day on Earth. I hope the rainbow bridge is real, and that she is at peace there now and happy, and that I get to see her again someday.
Lily 8/8/17- 6/28/18
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I teared up at the news, because I was rooting that she’d pull through with all your excellent care. She must have felt that love and care in her last hours, and know that she was much beloved. 
