Since Bella Bunneh left for the Rainbow Bridge.. with my heart in tow... I haven't been able to function very well.. well.. that's putting it mildly, I'd say. My heart is still broken from her departure.. and I don't foresee that feeling going away.
As some of you know, she was a "hard case" rescue from a very cruel dump scenario. She had that horrible fixated "war zone" look on her face, when I met her. That look that really isn't a look.. it's a non-existence... a wish for death or something. I guess she could've been diagnosed with severe PTSD, if that is even possible in bunnehs.
It took her weeks to have an expression... to let her personality shine through.. to FEEL something. But, when she finally escaped that "war zone" grasp, she really shined. She was so full of love and joy.. binkies.. bunneh'tude.... she was full of it all. And I felt so blessed to be her human. I still do.
Her illness and death came as such a shock and surprise, I think that's part of my continued dysfunction. It wasn't expected. She was perfect one day ..and dying the next. We did everything we could for her, but I still feel like it wasn't enough. I know in my heart that the many Vets that she saw during her recovery... not just one of them.. but too many of them let her down.. they let us down. When we asked to have full blood panels done, they weren't done. Life saving lab work ..I'm still so angry... those tests and screens and titers and whatever else.... all those things that could've revealed the assumed death sentence. If those simple tests had been performed, we may have known she had kidney disease..... and we may have been able to administer maintenance meds and therapy to keep her healthy and comfortable a little while longer. May have. God only really knows.
So, like I said.. she was fine one day and leaving quickly the next. It was awful. All of the poking and prodding and medicines and illness.. I still pray that she forgives me for all the horrible, painful things I had to put her through ..to try and save her. I hate to think the last thing she remembers about me is, needles and syringes and bitter, stinky medicines. It breaks my heart.
She left this world, in my arms.. her last seizure... with me telling her it was okay to go. I told her how sorry I was and how much I loved her and wanted her to go and claim her brand new body, for massive binkies and partying with all her new bunneh friends. She was crying her bunneh cries and I was crying my broken hearted human cries. And she was gone.
Forever in my heart.. Bella Bunneh