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Forum THE LOUNGE what if binkybunny friends are your only friends?

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    • Crashley
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        Can we talk about relationship advice?


      • jerseygirl
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          I’m pretty certain that would be fine in regards to forum rules as long as its kept PG. Is that what you’re asking?

          Are you okay?
          My inbox is open if you’d prefer that. Or are you hoping to have a more of a discussion here? I don’t know of I’m any good with relationship advice but I can certainly listen if you need to get something off your chest.


        • Crashley
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            I have been with someone for 5 yrs, straight outta highschool, I have not has a chance to do anything with my life thus far and its the same day in and out situation.I love this man, i have had an appartment with him and now a house. last year about this time, i dissapeared i left him for like 2 hrs LOL. but i came back as he was begging. he is a good man but he wont dance with me(like hand in hand) Crazy stupid reason to be so upset. I am free spirit I love to dance, swim, travel. and he refuses to have one dance with me ive asked for 5 yrs. Everytime i ask for a dance he says”one day” hes said that for 5 yrs. i got pool , he wont chill in the pool with me. he will not get on a plane with me nor does he drive.. not that that is a big deal. I have bent and bent for him, ive never really played video games until i met him, ive beaten multiple since ive been with him. but he still will not dance with me. is this me realziing he is not compatible for me? what am i realizing? why am i questioning this 5 yr relationship? I have talked to him multiple times, we get an arguemants where I will say “you dont do anything i want to do” huge arguements that you would think would end in no relationship but 2 hours later all is well and acts like nothing happened. this is very hard for me


          • Crashley
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              I am the kind of person who will take cheap flights somewhere for a day or two and he is not. I have never been on a plane yet. my older sister is like yes you should go be free bloah blah and my little sister is like” but youll be traveling alone” i dont even know what its like to be completely without someone. maybe we dont have anything in common anymore? i just dont know. its unfortuante that i think is… I just think “what can he do for me that i cant do for myself”? im at 0 besides helping with bills when i ask.


            • jerseygirl
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                You sound as if you feeling stifled. Is that about right?

                I’m a big believer in couples having some freedom within the relationship. Not everything has to be done together.

                Are you limited where you can socialise and make friends? Connect with people you could go off and do these things with?


              • jerseygirl
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                  It doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship. Just a broadening of your circle of people, so to speak.


                • Bam
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                    Oh, that sounds tough. It’s very difficult when you actually love someone very much. There’s no guarantee you’ll have anything in common with the person you love, unfortunately – esp if you met when you were both very young. And you can fall out of love and still love a person, if you understand what I mean.

                    I’m sorry he’s not interested in the things that you want out of life. It seems sad that you’ll not get to do all those things. As for dancing – do you mean actual dancing? I only have one friend whose boyfriend actually will dance with her on a regular basis, and he’s Finnish. They dance the tango.

                    We have had relationship-discussions here before in the Lounge.


                  • Crashley
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                      Yes i am limited, he would not approve of me going off and doing anything without him, its ashame that i would have to go off and do it without himin the first place. I mean actually dance, hand in hand, I taught myself how to swing dance(big band 40s dancing) when i was a young girl, dancing has always been my passion. he resfuses. he doesnt need to know how to dance, he should be one with me and follow my lead. Im afraid ive lost most my dacning skill becasue i havnt done it in 6+ years. I alwasy said if i didnt date anyone out of highschool i would of traveled the world and danced. ie told him before” im gonna start taking dancing lessons” he comes back with “will you be dacning with a man” yes probably as thats just how it is… so then he says no. then whyyy wont you dance with me!?? its a crazy circle. i sometimes feel i have to much passion for him.. i am very young 22 but i have a very old soul.


                    • Crashley
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                        I am 22 and he is 31! we have been together since ive been 17 and hes been 25


                      • Vienna Blue in France
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                          Is he ashamed of not dancing well enough? Explain gently he only has to stand in front of you – put his hands on your hips and move from one foot to the other to begin with… the closeness should help.

                          Or else… the tough news is that he’s absolutely not giving you want you need to feel happy (and doesn’t seem to be interested in doing so) and if you remain, you would maybe be mother and wife until you’re really old like 50 ( ) and not feel happy at all in life….

                          As bam says it’s a tough one. Escpecially if the only reason you’re hanging on in the relationship is for fear of not knowing what’s out there for you.

                          I would listen to your older sister and go for it !
                          You will ALWAYS meet people travelling or in life – you’re less likely to meet them if you’re on the arm of a unsocial man. It sounds as if he is taking you for granted as he probably thinks you’ll be together forever, and never to part…. well he sounds as if he needs a reality call.

                          So, what does HE do to enjoy life ?


                        • jerseygirl
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                            That’s a real shame. He needs to trust you more, I think. Don’t let anyone dampen your passion for something. You don’t want to force him to do something he really is uncomfortable with but that shouldn’t mean you have to forfeit something you love so much. You’ll just end up resenting him about it more and more.
                            Do you think he’d come to a class just to watch while you participated if you asked him?


                          • Crashley
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                              It is so tough, it is so hard not knowing am i staying casue im comfortable or do i really love him. and it makes angrier to know that im thinking like this, why would i be thinking like this if i were truly happy? You guys have been sucha big help! hmmm , he enjoys playing video games for fun. I play guitar and banjo and i love to dance! Vienna you are right.. am i hanging on casue i fear of not knowing whats out there? i guess I wont know till i make this decision.


                            • Vienna Blue in France
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                                Two well known proverbs to maybe help you Crashley :

                                1) “If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are headed…..”

                                2) “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”

                                Basically take the steering wheel of your life, or you will carry on in the same direction – and if you don’t like what you can see in front of you, take a corner….

                                It sounds as if you are close to your family so they will always be there for back up….

                                If your b’friend was begging you to return after a short while away and he is not interested in anything you want to do (even if it to make you happy….’cos that’s what compromise in couples is about sometimes) and he sits playing video games at 31 yrs old, then I’d say he’s got a lot of growing up to do and is happy with his ‘lot’. You are obviously a typical woman and want to embrace life and the world – go embrace my BB friend – go before it’s too late!

                                Of course, ask him if he wishes to accompany you in your life embracing mission… but by the sounds of it…..


                              • Crashley
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                                  You guys are wonderful, Its nice to get real opinions from outsiders, I really appreciate this! I do have my family for backup which I am very fortunate for. Thank you Jersey Girl, Bam and Vienna. I hate giving myself time limits, but i feel if i do not…I will run out of time. its so hard to leave 5 yrs but i just need some guts. Tonight..I will ask for one last dance


                                • RabbitPam
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                                    Hi, Crashley, may I chime in? I read your post, and I think your situation is very similar to couples who marry young. You are not married so you’re not as entangled, but many women who never lived on their own express a desire for some independence. It is a natural yearning as a young adult. Sometimes it is as simple as having separate apartments while staying in the relationship. A few days and nights a week alone can give you a strong sense of self, room to relax and explore your own interests, and proof that you have basic survival skills. It would allow you both to know if you are ready again for a fully shared life together as a mutual choice. If you work and have vacation time, possibly a week long vacation on a tour of a place you always wanted to see would be an adventure you could do with a friend, or an aunt. Sometimes it just takes a visit to satisfy a yearning – not a whole life makeover. You may be in a the right relationship in the long run, but it needs some help.

                                    Another idea to consider is couples counseling. He is too much in charge of you, and could learn that if you want other interests he isn’t expected to share them, but must share you with them. I do not mean other boyfriends.
                                    I love swing dancing but it is hard. Taking a dance class with male partners is not a threat if it stays limited to the dance floor. I have noticed that people who don’t dance tend to think of it more like foreplay or something to endure on the way to sex, while dancers feel more like it is an exhilarating sport and not the means to an end. You can enjoy dancing. Period. But do not force it on him.
                                    So maybe a counselor with a fresh perspective can help you guys tweak this so you get more on the paths you both want to try, possibly together for much longer. I hope my 2 cents here helps.


                                  • Laurora
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                                      Can I maybe offer the opposite perspective? My boyfriend and I have had similar issues, but the other way around. (Some differences; I had time to live on my own before him, and we haven’t been together as long, but maybe I can still help.) He wants to do and share everything with me, but it’s not always possible.

                                      For example, he’s a HUGE skier. It’s just his entire life in the winter (and a little bit in the summer, too..). But, because of a bad knee, I can’t share it with him. I try to; I’ll go up once a week and ski the easier slopes, but I can’t go all over the mountain on the skilled runs and stay out all day/every day like he can.

                                      I also can’t play video games with him because of vertigo (I get sick from the moving screen in seconds), and he hates that. So we’ve found a few that I can play for shorter periods and we enjoy those together.

                                      My point is, compromise is important. For both of you. Try to find a middle ground. Maybe he’s embarrassed to dance; offer to try it out alone, in the comfort of your home. Maybe he just doesn’t enjoy it much; ask if he’ll do it now and then, as a special occasion, so he doesn’t have to do it as much. Don’t overwhelm him with it, but enjoy it when you can share it.

                                      Another thing, I understand wanting to share all of your passions with him, but it’s okay to have “dance friends”, too. Take a class on your own and you’ll make friends there who you can dance with more often. Enjoy dancing with other friends, but find other interests that you can enjoy with your boyfriend. My boyfriend and I still hike and kayak together all the time, even if I can’t share those other things with him. And he has “ski friends” to go all over the mountain with. It’s okay to not share everything with him.

                                      But the most important thing is to keep up the conversation. Keep on talking to your boyfriend. Express how you feel as calmly as you can, and try to listen and understand and consider how he feels. Don’t let anything go under the rug. If it’s an issue, discuss it. Counsellors aren’t always an option for everyone (too costly for me!), but it’s a good idea if you can.

                                      I hope you’re able to work it out. It is hard when you’re questioning such a long and loving relationship. But think and talk it through and you will come to a solution that makes you happy, even if it isn’t perfect.


                                    • MoxieMeadows
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                                        I’d have to agree with pretty much everything that has already been said here. I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck. ((((Hugs))))


                                      • LBJ10
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                                          My husband is 40. He plays video games. I’m totally fine with it. And, sadly, I will even buy them for him. LOL If a boy likes video games, he will grow up to be a man who likes video games. They just never “grow out of it”. And that’s fine. My husband is who he is. If he wants to play Fallout 4, who am I to judge? I just do my own thing while he’s doing that. So the fact that your boyfriend likes to play video games does not bother me. What bothers me is the other stuff. I mean, I ask my husband to do stuff with me all the time. Is he always going to say yes? Of course not. But he will humor me now and then. It sounds like your boyfriend never wants to do anything with you. And that would be okay if you were prepared to accept him for who he is (some people just never change). But the fact that he doesn’t want you to do anything with anyone else worries me. You should be allowed to do things without him, especially since he has no interest in those things. There are a lot of couples who have their own activities and spend time apart. Some people need that in order to be able to maintain their own identities and to “take a breather” from their partner. So if he won’t allow you to go out and do your own thing, then that sends up red flags with me.

                                          Is he depressed?


                                        • Q8bunny
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                                            I was with an older man for many years. We were REALLY compatible at first in every way – great communication and great give and take. Then towards the end, it was mostly give on my part and not so much meeting of the minds. I started feeling like I’m gradually having to give up little bits of myself – and it was being taken for granted that I would continue to do so. So I stopped.

                                            Love him, by all means. But love yourself more. Don’t give up or lose what makes you happy without at least some sort of compromise – he needs to meet you at least halfway and not just assume that you’ll be there at his convenience. The more each of you maintains a sense of who you are as a happy individual, the better your chance of succeeding as halves of a healthy couple.

                                            Best of luck. I know it’s tough, but life’s too short to become a shadow person.


                                          • Azerane
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                                              LBJ10 gave a great answer.

                                              My husband also sits around playing computer games all day. I don’t mind, it’s his hobby. The thing that concerns me as well as what others have mentioned, is that your boyfriend doesn’t like you to go out and do things on your own, and he won’t do some things with you so you’re essentially stuck sitting at home when you might not want to be. While my husband is a little on the unintentionally lazy side which makes life a pain in the behind sometimes, he doesn’t prevent me from doing what I enjoy doing most (camping, hiking, bird photography, meeting other birdy people). I often ask him to go on walks with me, he usually says no more often than yes, but the point is that sometimes he does come along with me and enjoys it with me. He doesn’t control my interests or what I get to do, and I worry that you may be experiencing some of that. Try discussing it with him if you can, but it can be tough to talk about and hard to believe that things will change if that is promised. I understand that it can be tough to know whether you’re just staying because it’s comfortable, or staying out of love. I went through that too, and I think a little doubt is natural in almost any relationship, if you’re doubting a lot though and really unsure of what you feel, then you may already be arriving at the answer.

                                              As others have said, don’t give up who you are to fit someone else’s mould. Compromise and make adjustments, sure, but don’t give up everything you love.


                                            • Bam
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                                                I think the key point here is that he doesn’t like it when you go and do what you want to do. My mum and her husband does things together, but they also do things apart. He runs and he plays golf and wild horses couldn’t make my mum run or play golf. My mum is into art (sculpture, ceramics, enamel, silver-smithing) and she loves long walks in nature. Her husband doesn’t hate art and nature, but he doesn’t create art and he can’t just walk and enjoy nature, he needs to walk really fast or run or swim a certain distance etc. So they do many things on their own, they even travel on their own. And they travel together too. But being a couple shouldn’t mean you have to be joined at the hip.

                                                My mum and hubby have been together 32 years, so they’re old, you are young, so all the more important for you to really do the things you want to do.


                                              • Deleted User
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                                                  Absolutely NOTHING wrong with BB friends being your ONLY friends! I could not and will not live without them – serious! I adore, love and trust them more than I ever have anyone in my life. TRUE!

                                                  I won’t comment on your relationship…. but I do want to say I am sorry and it sucks being in love. Good luck with that!


                                                • Vienna Blue in France
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                                                    Andi – (Though I’m not totally in agreement with having only virtual friends in life…)
                                                    A good mixture of both is the always the right medicine – a bit like chocolat and veggies


                                                  • Deleted User
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                                                      Most of my BB friends are NOT virtual – I know everything about them as they do me! I must be SUPER lucky cause when I talk to my friends it is literally like talking to them at my dining table over a cuppa.

                                                      And I am even luckier!!! I have real life people friends toooo!


                                                    • Crashley
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                                                        You guys are all so wonderful! All, this advice really helps me and I appreciate it more then any of you could know!
                                                        I tell him sometimes that he was in love with who i was when he met me. I was young and i have definitely grown and evolved. I sometimes think he is holding on to who i was and not who i am now. Im glad I have some people to talk too! thanks so much!


                                                      • Crashley
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                                                          As azarene said ” I think a little doubt is natural in almost any relationship, if you’re doubting a lot though and really unsure of what you feel, then you may already be arriving at the answer. ” I’m afraid this is what it is. I have not had the chance to be on my own and not be conjoined with another, I feel like i just want my own place with my own things and do my own stuff without reporting to someone. It sad I feel this way, but ive been thinking about it to much for it to just be common doubt. I do not mind him playing video games, it is what he does with his time that he enjoys. ive never sid anything to him about video games casue i know its what he loves. I am not to much of fan of video games, but when he has asked me to play with him.. I do and i have to the point where I have beaten multiple games WITH him. and he still will not do what i want . it could be for 30 seconds i would be happy with 10 secs of him dancing with me. he will not


                                                        • MiNinoJack
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                                                            Posted By Crashley on 6/15/2016 10:17 AM

                                                            I tell him sometimes that he was in love with who i was when he met me. I was young and i have definitely grown and evolved. I sometimes think he is holding on to who i was and not who i am now. 

                                                            I’m coming in a little late here, but I’ve been in a…let’s say complicated, relationship for about 6 years now. The thing I’ve learned and I think is the most important is that as we grow and change, so does the relationship. If you can’t adapt to the person that your partner has become, then eventually you will have to separate to be happy. All relationships have ups and downs, but the beauty of a long term relationship is constantly learning from each other as we grow. I think the moment there is nothing left to learn from our partner is the moment the relationship is over. 

                                                            Also – as a side note, I found that as I got older I loved being alone more and more. Especially after I turned 30 I loved going to the movies by myself, and eating alone in restaurants. I don’t think I would have had the confidence at 22. Learn to be your own best friend and be happy while on your own. If you can do that then you’ll never need anyone else so you’ll be in relationships because you WANT to be there. Not because you need to. 

                                                            I hope you find your happiness whether it is with your current partner or not. 


                                                          • Niamian
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                                                              There is absolutely no problem with BB friends being your real friends. (Let’s put it that way)
                                                              I will agree with most of people here. It is tough to give advice in this case but I can tell you one thing. Just think will some decisions you make now turn you in the bitter old woman one day. If the answers is no, well that is something you can start from.


                                                            • Vienna Blue in France
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                                                                BB friends FOREVER !!!!!


                                                              • Vienna Blue in France
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                                                                  Now I’m on a proper keyboard and can type a bit more (I hate smartphone typing!) I would just like to clear up that I think virtual friends are F.A.B. too. (Otherwise I would have been on here to ask one question only and left the next day as so many ‘members’ do !).

                                                                  I’m also a serial internet dater (ho hum, a singleton’s life!!!) and so have met many of my ‘virtual’ contacts after exciting and interesting conversations by ‘chatting’.
                                                                  To those Sherlocks out there, the fact that I am still single should be a clue as to how all the dates worked out !!! LOL.

                                                                  Crashley – the important thing to know is that whatever you decide, like any best mates, we’re all in total agreement with what you decide !!
                                                                  And if you want to talk it over / get back-up for your actions / need someone to tell you you were right, then we are here for you to fulfil that role!!!!!

                                                                  Well even drink a simultaneous glass of wine (cough, cup of tea) “with” you from the other side of the world.


                                                                • Q8bunny
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                                                                    I for one, despite being an extremely private and non-social-networked person, found myself making an exception for Chewie’s sake with this forum – and now I love my BB family.


                                                                  • Bam
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                                                                      So glad you did, Q8 =)

                                                                      I think online friends really can help put things in perspective because they can look at things from the outside and tell you wahat they see and you might not. And you get to learn so much new stuff from all parts of the world. Like the brilliant Aussie word “budgie-smugglers”.


                                                                    • Q8bunny
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                                                                      • LBJ10
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                                                                          Or thongs for your feet and not your bum?


                                                                        • jerseygirl
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                                                                            Lol 


                                                                          • Q8bunny
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                                                                              I’d rather go commando than wear a thong… I prefer to save the perma-wedgies for my feet.


                                                                            • Vienna Blue in France
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                                                                                @ Q8 – For, and I quote, “an extremely private person”….. that is just a tad too much information !!! LOL :p


                                                                              • Vienna Blue in France
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                                                                                  Hey Crashely – what news? – Apologies : we seem to have hijacked your post to diverge into thongs – didn’t see that coming did you ?


                                                                                • Q8bunny
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                                                                                    Vienna: Smarty pants! lol
                                                                                    I was only speaking hypothetically, of course. My actual skivvy status shall remain a mystery.


                                                                                  • LBJ10
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                                                                                      Vienna – Don’t be silly. We didn’t hijack anything. :p


                                                                                    • Vienna Blue in France
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                                                                                        No LBJ – we hi-thonged it !! (or rather “low-thonged” it !!)


                                                                                      • LBJ10
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                                                                                          OMG hahahaha! Vienna you’re killing me!

                                                                                          Where’s Andi when you need her? She’d get a kick out of this! LOL


                                                                                        • Q8bunny
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                                                                                            Probably out buying flip flops.


                                                                                          • LBJ10
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                                                                                              And a budgie smuggler!


                                                                                            • Azerane
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                                                                                                Our poor beautiful language My husband is from the USA, we’ve been together 10 years and even now I’ll come out with a sentence that he just doesn’t understand, lol.


                                                                                              • Crashley
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                                                                                                  hey everybody! I wanted to post and let yall know whats going!The day I posted on here, i went home and i asked him to dance with me(and i think he could sense that i wasnt playing around, this would make us or break us LOL) he danced a full song with me. I had a convo with him stating that I feel we are no longer the same(I am to spontaneous for him) he disagreed, saying he wanted to travel everywhere with me as well. I am known for rushing decisions that shouldnt be rushed. Currently we are still together, I dont want to rush throwing away 5 yrs. I am kind of just seeing where things are going atm. Sorting things out in my head. Though I did tell him, that when im going somewhere(traveling, etc) Im going. if he doesnt want to go, I will go myself but he will not stop me from living my life. he can come along or he can stay. Just wanted to update you guys I am trying to get him to understand that some people are more independent then others. its truly a roller coaster lol


                                                                                                • Vienna Blue in France
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                                                                                                    Hey Crashley !! That’s great…!!!! He danced a whole song with you!? (I hope it wasn’t The Birdy Song (the Chicken Dance!)….!! lol )
                                                                                                    So how was it? I mean we don’t need / want details, but was it what you had hoped for / expected after all this time ?
                                                                                                    So where are you both going for your first travel trip together ?
                                                                                                    You know you don’t have to spend a lot of money – a road trip somewhere, sleeping under the stars? Or a weekend hike… or something you both choose together. Well done. One day at a time.


                                                                                                  • LBJ10
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                                                                                                      That’s great Crashley! I think it’s a good idea to work on things and see where it goes. Just make sure you’re both on board! It sounds like you both are, at least so far.


                                                                                                    • Q8bunny
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                                                                                                        A step forward is never a bad thing.


                                                                                                      • LBJ10
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                                                                                                          The next step is to ask him to wear a budgie smuggler. Now that’s love.

                                                                                                          LOL


                                                                                                        • LBJ10
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                                                                                                            Or maybe it’s not. Depends on how you look at it! Bwahahahahaha!


                                                                                                          • Azerane
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                                                                                                              I’m glad that you’ve made this step forward I hope things continue to go well.


                                                                                                            • Vienna Blue in France
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                                                                                                                Don’t forget that whilst dancing, a step forward is indeed a VERY good thing, but at some time or other, a step back will be necessary….. 4
                                                                                                                Bwahahahahaha! back at ya LBJ !!


                                                                                                              • Crashley
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                                                                                                                  It was everything that I had wanted, I cried while dancing LOL!!
                                                                                                                  danced to “whos loving you” by jackson 5
                                                                                                                  yesterday we had just got back from a 2 day camping trip that was tons of fun!
                                                                                                                  You guys are so funny! i think ill pass on seeing any man in a budgie smuggler!


                                                                                                                • Vienna Blue in France
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                                                                                                                    That post is so full of hope and optimism Crashley – well done you two – and now try to keep the momentum going on these positive bits – it’s great !!

                                                                                                                    Maybe fix a date for one new thing per month…
                                                                                                                    Impulse activites are good (let’s do this tomorrow!) but it is said that a planned ‘date’ between ‘old’ lovers heats things up a bit with the expectation of ‘the date’ happening. Dressing up. (showering.. obviously!), special efforts made for what to wear and doing hair and imagining like you are just getting to know each other again…. it’s all in the build up…. apparently….

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