Feeling so guilty….. In tears right now…

[Caspar'sHome]

Sorry this is so long.

Ok. So this post is NOT about my current rabbit. I know now to never rehome a rabbit as it is way too hard.

But about 2 years ago, I got a bunny, a Holland Lop, and he was the best thing ever to happen to me. Then 3 days into the relationship depression set into me because of my anxiety, and it mimicked bipolar disorder. I was so distraught over it and thought that it had been happening because I may not have been ready for a bunny, so I began complaining that I had him and I kept making things worse for myself. He was a licker, and a really fierce one too. Every time I held him he licked me. I wish I kept him. But 1 week and 2 days later it had gotten so bad that i brought him back to the breeder. Then I somehow had a grudge against him, I think because I didn’t want to fee like that again, I thought it was his fault even though I was terrible in the relationship and he loved me, I just didn’t realize how much I loved and needed him. So I experimented with another rabbit at the same breeder, and ignored the Holland. He recognized me, and he perked up when he saw me, it’s my fault I feel this way. I didn’t keep the other rabbit, but I did visit every two or 3 weeks until the breeder said that she’s frustrated with me, that I’ve been going for 3 months to find a rabbit and haven’t decided. So I stopped for a while, then two months later I wanted to get my rabbit back, the holland lop, because I realized what I had done and the depression went away, so I contacted her to no avail. She didn’t reply, she didn’t answer calls, and I was frustrated. But I let it go expecting that since the last time I told her that I loved that holland lop that she would keep him because she knew I would be back, she said give it some time and then come back. That’s exactly what I did, but by the time I got a reply, 4 months after I began contacting again, she told me that she no longer had my rabbit. That she gave him to a person at a nursing home as she turned him into a therapy bunny. And that’s what I was looking for. A therapy bunny. How could I be so stupid???? And on top of that, I got so angry and upset that I got depressed and suicidal and all that negativity, and I withdrawed from life at all. I cried every day. And I cried myself to sleep.
I did get over my guilt for a while, convincing myself that he needs the bunch of people at a time, that he wouldn’t have been happy with me, but that’s not the truth. He was happy, he Binkied and ran and cuddled and licked me, but I didn’t see any of it. I loved him in my subconscious, but told myself I didn’t because I couldn’t let anything change in my life. I still want him back, and now I am back into wanting him. I still love him and cry every so often for him.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my new rabbit to death (I waited a year before getting him to get the counseling and help I needed, and I got over it all), but I still really want my old rabbit back. His name was Olaf. He was the cutest and best animal ever. This relationship with my current rabbit is not as strong as my other rabbit tried to have with me. He doesn’t lick me a lot, he doesn’t lay next to me for long periods of time yet, but he is more playful and a little bit more energetic, which I would give up for him to be licky and lovey. Maybe me comparing him to Olaf is starting this up again, but I really want that relationship and companionship…

How do I stop feeling so guilty and stop being a wreck about this???

[MoxieMeadows]

I am going to start out with a disclaimer to say that this is all just in my opinion.
My number 1 tip would be stop comparing your current rabbit to the rabbit you previously had. I know it’s hard and I know you’re still upset, but in the end it does no good. it just makes you more upset, and could even *Potentially* grow into a resentment to your current bun. I know how you feel I’ve struggled with depression as well. You also need to understand that all rabbits are different. Your current bun might show affection in different ways.
It’s fine to remember Olaf, and it is fine to keep him in your heart always. Take comfort in knowing that even if it’s not with you, he has a good home where he helps others. I know in time, you can overcome this. I believe in you and think you are a strong and beautiful person. I don’t think people hear it enough now a days. Wishing you the best, {{{Hugs}}}

P.s. I went through a kinda similar(but not that similar) situation as you. I had 5 pet ducks I hatched out of eggs and had for a couple years. When I was away for the day, a family member sold them (without my consent. a man came to our house and pressured my relative to sell them). I was told I could pet sit them in the winter when they went to Florida. (the person who bought them lied) I felt utterly betrayed and heart broken. It was a terrible experience. But overtime I overcame it, and it made me a stronger person because of it.

[BrunosMama]

As Moxie said, I am no expert. But I have lived with Bipolar for over 20 years and I know all to well how it can warp your emotions and decisions. When you become unbalanced, you lose sight of logic and reasoning. You say, do, and feel things that you normally would not. It’s hard, but try to understand you were not yourself at the time. But now you have a new opportunity to make good decisions for your new bunny. If you have a good support system, ask them for advice if you start questioning your choices. Or make a plan in advance with someone that if you have another episode, they can help make sure your bunny is safe until you feel better again.

You may always have a twinge of guilt for Olaf, but time heals a multitude of wounds. Hang in there.

[Author]

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