Sarita makes a good point, this time of year we all miss the ones we love who have gone before us and wish they were back with us again. Both my parents have passed away, my birth parents are still alive, but I don’t hear from or see either of them that much. Except for my husband and children, I really have no extended family on my side. I’m pretty sure that if not for them, I would definitely feel down during holidays.
I’ve taken a long time to post what comes next, and I pray with all my heart that it will help.
Here is a memory I’d like to share with you, I hope it will allow you feel like someone else out here can empathize with you.
I had meant to tell you, when you posted your grandma’s picture a while back, and discussed your last meeting with her, that she reminded me of my own mom. I was adopted by my grandfather and his second wife, and she had quite a few photos of her from the 40’s that she wore much the same clothing as your grandma, was the same kind of stately looking woman, and it took me back to what kind of person she was and how much I cared for her even though most times we fought like cat and dog. I was actually oddly stoic when she passed back in 1981. It had been a week after my 18th birthday, and she had been suffering from pancreatic cancer for 6 months, a fact I had only just learned about a month earlier, my dad thought it best not to mention it to me at the time. Ironically, when he told me was the first time I’d heard I’d been adopted as well, I’d grown up thinking they were both my biological parents (even though they were much older than my friends’ folks.)
But I digress…I, too, had a day where I was not recognized by my mother. She thought I was HER mom, and began to cry and tell me she was in pain and was afraid to die. (She was on a lot of painkillers at the time, but it still hurt me that she wasn’t seeing me.) I flipped out and that’s when I went to tell my dad that I thought she was more than just sick with gall bladder surgery complications and that’s when the truth came out. (I wasn’t exactly clueless, but you believe what your folks tell you, what can I say?) Still, it was devastating, and yet explained so much more than just the illness. And when she did cross over, I was glad she wasn’t hurting like that anymore, because nothing would have made me wish that back for her.
And in the aftermath of all this, I got a bit reckless with my life and have regretted doing so ever since, as I made some terrible choices. And it took me a long time to finally come to grips with the fact that I was ignoring my mourning of my mom. I just kept shoving it away with other things. I would have dreams that she wasn’t really gone, that she’d been hidden away somewhere I couldn’t see her, but still alive. It was torture for me to wake up and realize the whole thing over again.
What I’m trying to say is, grief takes a long time. Especially when we want the person back so bad, we’d rather not accept that life continues regardless of our feelings. I know you said you’re not religious, but in my experience, there is no doubt that the loved ones we have lost to this plane of existence are waiting for us in the Hereafter. Perhaps Indy WAS sent to you by your Grandma, not to chew up your electronics, but to help keep your mind on the here and now, which is, I’m sure, what your Gran would want you to enjoy, right? It does neither us, nor our departed, any honor or good in allowing the water to cover our heads and sink into the deep.
Yes it is good to accept your grief. Yes it is good to also put your grief aside and do something other than grieve. And furthermore, IT IS OKAY. I had many years of ‘sudden meltdowns’ after my mom passed away, and with each one, I learned to feel the pain a little less, and think of the good things about my mom’s and my life together a little more. I can discuss her now without becoming a blubbering mess. But it’s been 28 years. I’m not saying it will take you that long, it didn’t for me…but this is a challenge to recover from.
You can see that already you know you don’t want to do the things that cause you to lose precious time. That in itself I see as a big step from where you have been. That is very good. Keep that in mind every time you feel the need to give in to the blues. Bit by bit, you will begin to see light where the darkness used to be.
And you have a family here. We all care about you and want things to be better for you. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) Hold on tight. It does get better.
Oh, and try not to take Bun’s rabbittude too seriously. I love Mimzy to pieces and STILL after two and a half years, can’t put my hand in his cage even for a pet without getting the nip, the grunt, or at the very least, the bunny butt. ~_~ It’s their JOB.