The Joke Thread

[Kokaneeandkahlua]

I need some cheering up, and I bet some of you do too!  So here’s the joke thread!

 

Rules: 

1) They have to be jokes appropriate for general audiences so keep them appropriate. If you wouldn’t tell the joke to your mom-it’s probably too racy

2) Post one at a time! 

 

 

Ok I’ll start it off, this is My-All-Time-Favorite joke: 

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush,he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

  Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

…..

….

….

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

 

 

[MarkBun]

A grasshopper hops into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, “You know, we have a drink named after you?”
The grasshopper says, “Really? You have a drink named Steve?!”

[FluffyBunny]

One of my friends was driving home on a quiet road at twilight some time ago. About a mile from his home, he saw a little rabbit just dash across the street! Unfortunately, he couldn’t slow down in time, and he hit the bunny full force. His Dad, who was in the passenger’s seat, said to him, “You should pull over and see if the bunny’s okay!” So, my friend quickly pulled over the car and got out. He walked towards the injured bunny and examined it. The bunny’s bones were badly broken, and his body was damaged beyond repair. He walked back over and told his Dad, “The bunny’s almost dead. There’s nothing we can do.” Aggravated, his Dad walked over to the rabbit, bent over, and started spraying some sort of liquid all over its body. A few minutes later, the bunny started breathing, got up, and hopped away. Curious, my friend examined the bottle that his Dad had sprayed on the bunny. It read, “Give your Hair(re) new life in the most wonderful way!

[Monkeybun]

15 Police comments that were taken
off actual police car videos around the country…

#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re
new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

# 14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make
your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess
that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning
you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn
dogs and step in monkey poop.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my
wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “How big were those ‘Just two beers’ you say you had?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but
now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal
friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

The envelope please……………
AND THE WINNER IS ….

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets?
You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

[Monkeybun]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have
enhanced our lives but occasionally feel like taking a hammer to it, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated,
“If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with
the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash……..
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to
pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it,
and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as
fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by
a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to
let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all
over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

[Desma]

During the 2nd world war, there was a company of US soldiers that just got done fighting a fierce battle with the Germans and there was no ammo left. Their commander told them, when you go into battle, take this broom with you. When the enemy comes at you, point the broom at them and imagine your broom is the bayonet and the gun and go, “bangitee bangittee–stabbitee stabbitee”. The soldier thought it was stupid but when the Germans rushed them, he had to obey and went about saying, “bangittee bangittee, stabbitte stabbitee” He was amazed as Germans were falling dead everywhere until a big German kept coming towards him unaffected as the US soldier kept saying, “bangitte bangittee, stabbittee stabbittiee”. The German soldier walked over him crushing him nearly to death and he heard the German soldier saying as he was laying on the ground, “tankittee tankitte tank, tankittee tankitte tank”.
Silly huh!!

[Kokaneeandkahlua]

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

[jerseygirl]

Not exactly a joke……just pearls of wisdom from children. I can’t find any jokes I have kept over the years – bout time I did.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
— Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
— Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
— Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
— Ricky, age 10

[Barbie]

Oh my gosh! I love this thread! I’m laughing my butt off!

[MimzMum]

This is too good of an idea, K&K…thank you! I’m still chuckling at the computer one. My daughter after hearing me read it was doubled over laughing and commented, Yup…can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to hang up my laptop and beat it like a pinata!”
Personally, mine’s going out in the yard next time it dies on me…I could use the target practice. Plink-plink!

I am terrible at making people laugh…so I Googled cute jokes and came up with funny2.com. There’s some good one-liners there. A few of my faves are:

A man got a blood transfusion, but the hospital ran out of blood – so substituted borscht. Now his heart never skips a beet.

I read a book on helium once. I couldn’t put it down!

Why isn’t palindrome spelled the same way backwards?

I’m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?

I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls.

I got tired of treasure hunting, so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant “X”

Light travels faster than sound, that’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The things that come to those who wait are actually the things that were left by those who got there first!

And this last one:

My friend is dieting. He says weight gain is due to water retention. My weight gain is due to ice cream retention. (boy, ain’t THAT the truth!)

And along the line of that last thought I’ll add: Be careful trying to lift my mood…it ate all the ice cream! ^_^

[Kokaneeandkahlua]

Ah I’m gonig to give some quotes from my fav comedian Mitch Hedberg

“I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. ”

“I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”

“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load stuff into a truck”

“I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at ten a.m. and say, “Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology”

“What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable”

“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say “Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. “Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! The Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes. ”

“I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

“I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable. “Oh, you’re a king, you say? Well you won’t believe what I have in store for you! It’s to your exact specifications! ”

“This is what my friend said to me; he said, “Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.” It’s like,”Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you’re gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.”

“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it”

“I haven’t slept for ten days….. because that would be too long. ”

“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he’s fuzzy, let’s get out of here. ”

“My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I’m like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.”

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

[bunnyluvr]

A bear and a squirrel are pooping in the woods.
The bear turns to the squirrel and asks ” Do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?”
The squirrels says “No, I don’t have any problems with poop sticking to my fur.”
So the bear wipes his butt with the squirrel !!

Sorry if that was to gross for anyone. I’ve just always loved that joke.

[jerseygirl]

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

Ohhhh!  That’s what I did wrong.

[katie, max & penny]

i’m taking inspiration from KK and quoting my fav Demetri Martin:
# I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”
# “I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”
# “I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”
# “‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’””I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”
# “When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”
# “I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”
# “I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.’
# “I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like, ‘Hey, there’s an arse$!&$.’ But when you’re in the woods you’re like, ‘Is there an arse$!&$ out here?’ They look like trees.”

(more: http://captainpinhead.wordpress.com/2006/10/01/demetri-martin-quotes/)

[feeona]

ok heres mine…

so dads looking after his 2 year old little girl while mum is at work .
the girl comes out and brings her daddy a cup of tea in her new tea party cup . he looks in the cup and its got water in it.
he says thank you and drinks the water. she is so impressed that her daddy enjoyed it so much she just keeps bringing him cups of tea.
when the little girls mum comes home the dad says sit down and watch this it is the cutest thing ever.
sure enough 1 minute later she comes in with yet another cup of tea , he can hardly drink any more but he drinks it and turns to mum and says “that is so adorable isnt it?”

mum says “did it ever occur to you that the only water she can reach is the toliet water?”

[Kokaneeandkahlua]

LMAO!! Y’all are sooo funny!! We need to keep this going for a while I’m quite enjoying the jokes

Markus!! Grooooaaaan :p heheh

[Author]

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